in my mind, you kiss my cheek
and the innocence of it
makes me cry
we’re talking about forever
and in my mind, I’m watching us
in your dorm room
the lights turned low
I want to sing to you
all the praises that I know
give you all the love
from every poem ever written
I want to hold you in the darkness
cry with you
breathe out this depression with you
never know sadness again
I’m thinking about forever
yes or no
fearing either reality
there is no doubt
how I feel right now
but I don’t want to hurt you again
we’re talking about forever
as I contemplate eternity
among other things
it must be fate
and I must agree
I could talk about forever
for eternity
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
no title would be enough
you made me
want to write
without you
I don't want to
breathe
don't tell me
that you love me
you've proven
differently
you've made me
want to die
tonight, though
I'll just
cry
I would cry tears
on your shoulder
I'd let you
comfort me
you break it
you mend it
but it doesn't
work like that
you can't say
you're sorry
and expect
forgiveness
even from me
want to write
without you
I don't want to
breathe
don't tell me
that you love me
you've proven
differently
you've made me
want to die
tonight, though
I'll just
cry
I would cry tears
on your shoulder
I'd let you
comfort me
you break it
you mend it
but it doesn't
work like that
you can't say
you're sorry
and expect
forgiveness
even from me
your words
your words
breathe life onto the page
you speak
more beauty with your pen
than God
spoke in all of creation
give thanks
for the Lord is good
and gave
you the words to speak
and gave
you a pen to speak them with
your thoughts
are a masterpiece waiting to
be written
let it be written
breathe life onto the page
you speak
more beauty with your pen
than God
spoke in all of creation
give thanks
for the Lord is good
and gave
you the words to speak
and gave
you a pen to speak them with
your thoughts
are a masterpiece waiting to
be written
let it be written
An Error
You don’t know
how much I needed you
I needed you
more than you could ever
need me
And I never implied
otherwise
God gave me the need to be needed
but that’s not how I needed you
In all of your insanity
you were my sanity
Underneath your awkward beauty
lay the companion to my soul
In youth I vowed devotion
You were the light and I, the dark
But as is life
we were soon ripped apart
You didn’t know
how much I needed you
You don’t know
that I still miss you
And in that
lay the end of an era
and the beginning of
an error
how much I needed you
I needed you
more than you could ever
need me
And I never implied
otherwise
God gave me the need to be needed
but that’s not how I needed you
In all of your insanity
you were my sanity
Underneath your awkward beauty
lay the companion to my soul
In youth I vowed devotion
You were the light and I, the dark
But as is life
we were soon ripped apart
You didn’t know
how much I needed you
You don’t know
that I still miss you
And in that
lay the end of an era
and the beginning of
an error
Inspiration: Part 2... or the lack there of
a lack of inspiration
has stripped me of my soul
giving in to no desires
fighting to speak no more words
don't tell me that it's ok
don't say you love me anyway
I know you hurt as much as me
for you, too, live in poetry
your words once flew
on wings of eternal sunshine
your mind was once
the place that you called home
now we run from ourselves
in search of a stranger destination
than we've ever been before
in search of some magic conversation
that would give rise to the inspiration
to set our souls free from this prison
and live poetry once more
has stripped me of my soul
giving in to no desires
fighting to speak no more words
don't tell me that it's ok
don't say you love me anyway
I know you hurt as much as me
for you, too, live in poetry
your words once flew
on wings of eternal sunshine
your mind was once
the place that you called home
now we run from ourselves
in search of a stranger destination
than we've ever been before
in search of some magic conversation
that would give rise to the inspiration
to set our souls free from this prison
and live poetry once more
Wishes
I wished upon a daisy’s petals
My wish did not come true
I wished upon a shooting star
A meteor was all
I wished upon a four-leaf-clover
A shamrock at its best
I wished upon a horse’s shoe
He didn’t like it much
I wished upon the lighted candles
Of my last birthday cake
Until today I feared
That all my wishes were in vain
My wish did not come true
I wished upon a shooting star
A meteor was all
I wished upon a four-leaf-clover
A shamrock at its best
I wished upon a horse’s shoe
He didn’t like it much
I wished upon the lighted candles
Of my last birthday cake
Until today I feared
That all my wishes were in vain
Her heart is black
Her heart is black
Her soul is dying
Death’s her victory
Never has she loved before
Born in Heaven
Her heart’s forgotten
The love of her Savior’s blood
She thinks her blood will save her
She cries out from her death
With Satan’s arms around her
She takes her final breath
God loved her ‘til the last
If only she could see
In Christ, there’s victory
Her soul is dying
Death’s her victory
Never has she loved before
Born in Heaven
Her heart’s forgotten
The love of her Savior’s blood
She thinks her blood will save her
She cries out from her death
With Satan’s arms around her
She takes her final breath
God loved her ‘til the last
If only she could see
In Christ, there’s victory
"Fine"
Lying through my teeth tonight
Telling you I’m fine
Know my secrets
Know my hiding
Know my future isn’t mine
Know the truth that lies beneath
You know the anger boils
Creeping out from underneath
Hide behind the neon sign
Blaring loud “I’m fine!”
Telling you I’m fine
Know my secrets
Know my hiding
Know my future isn’t mine
Know the truth that lies beneath
You know the anger boils
Creeping out from underneath
Hide behind the neon sign
Blaring loud “I’m fine!”
Silence in the hallway
Silence in the hallway
Footsteps down the stairs
Sneaking out at midnight
No one knows she’s there
“Listen to me, won’t you!”
I scream to deafened ears
All alone I’m crying
These unshedable tears
Lost in circumstances
Unseen in her youth
Never saw me crying
“I still love you”
Alone in pain and silence
I cry, “I need you, please!”
No one knows the difference
As I fall down on my knees
My God, just where were you
When she held that knife in hand?
Where were you when we
Vowed our friendship in the sands?
Where were you when bloodshed
Took over both our lives?
Where were you the night I cried
And begged you for her life?
Why did she leave, dear God?
Why’d she cause such pain?
Why couldn’t I stop her, Lord?
Instead of standing in the rain
I watched her leave in silence
She never knew my tears
God whispers in the darkness
“I’ve always been right here”
Footsteps down the stairs
Sneaking out at midnight
No one knows she’s there
“Listen to me, won’t you!”
I scream to deafened ears
All alone I’m crying
These unshedable tears
Lost in circumstances
Unseen in her youth
Never saw me crying
“I still love you”
Alone in pain and silence
I cry, “I need you, please!”
No one knows the difference
As I fall down on my knees
My God, just where were you
When she held that knife in hand?
Where were you when we
Vowed our friendship in the sands?
Where were you when bloodshed
Took over both our lives?
Where were you the night I cried
And begged you for her life?
Why did she leave, dear God?
Why’d she cause such pain?
Why couldn’t I stop her, Lord?
Instead of standing in the rain
I watched her leave in silence
She never knew my tears
God whispers in the darkness
“I’ve always been right here”
My life in bits and pieces
My life in bits and pieces
I spread across this page
Shifting through with scrutiny
Do with me what you may
Hear me but don’t listen
Search for poetry
Criticize my rhyming games
Ignore my honesty
Reading with blind eyes
You cannot see its truth
Think you’ve got me figured out
But I don’t write for you
I spread across this page
Shifting through with scrutiny
Do with me what you may
Hear me but don’t listen
Search for poetry
Criticize my rhyming games
Ignore my honesty
Reading with blind eyes
You cannot see its truth
Think you’ve got me figured out
But I don’t write for you
The Perfect Song
I was sent on a mission
To write the perfect song
A poem without ending
So that all could sing along
Remnants of a child’s dream
Past’s forgotten name
The beauty of the ogre
They all should sound the same
A light shines through the window
With my mind’s pen in hand
I try to write a thousand words
Like tiny grains of sand
The birds give inspiration
Their songs with beauty ring
The masses laugh and scoff at them
And they refuse to sing
The picture perfect sunset
Is what I need to find
To show the little children
They will not be left behind
The song resounds like a symphony
With harmony’s finest chords
Yet utters not a syllable
And wastes not one word
Such a song should surely bring
Peace upon the earth
With every family gathering
Around its fiery hearth
Nature’s melody should ring
Out loud with every phrase
Chorus, verse, and bridge should know
The One we ought to praise
A hymn of invitation
This song should also be
Praising not the writer
Remembering only He
I haven’t the words to write this song
Nor does any other man
For the song was written long ago
Upon this weary land
Listen to the mountains
For they shall always sing
Of love and peace and harmony
All that the good Lord brings
So here I end my mission
To write the perfect song
For it was written by God alone
And lasts eternity long
To write the perfect song
A poem without ending
So that all could sing along
Remnants of a child’s dream
Past’s forgotten name
The beauty of the ogre
They all should sound the same
A light shines through the window
With my mind’s pen in hand
I try to write a thousand words
Like tiny grains of sand
The birds give inspiration
Their songs with beauty ring
The masses laugh and scoff at them
And they refuse to sing
The picture perfect sunset
Is what I need to find
To show the little children
They will not be left behind
The song resounds like a symphony
With harmony’s finest chords
Yet utters not a syllable
And wastes not one word
Such a song should surely bring
Peace upon the earth
With every family gathering
Around its fiery hearth
Nature’s melody should ring
Out loud with every phrase
Chorus, verse, and bridge should know
The One we ought to praise
A hymn of invitation
This song should also be
Praising not the writer
Remembering only He
I haven’t the words to write this song
Nor does any other man
For the song was written long ago
Upon this weary land
Listen to the mountains
For they shall always sing
Of love and peace and harmony
All that the good Lord brings
So here I end my mission
To write the perfect song
For it was written by God alone
And lasts eternity long
The Only One
If I were the only one
To feel the way I do
If I were the only one
My problems would be new
If I were the only one
To live in so much pain
If I were the only one
All would know my name
If I were the only one
Who ever cried at night
I would be a dying star
I’d radiate no light
If I were the only one
Haunted by the past
I could always live alone
Yet my life would never last
If I were the only one
With all these tears to cry
If I were the only one
There’d be no reason why
If I were the only one
Would I live in peace?
If I were the only one
How would I find release?
I am not the only one
Who cries herself to sleep
I am not the only one
Always counting sheep
I am not the only one
With this pain inside
I am not the only one
I do not need to hide
To feel the way I do
If I were the only one
My problems would be new
If I were the only one
To live in so much pain
If I were the only one
All would know my name
If I were the only one
Who ever cried at night
I would be a dying star
I’d radiate no light
If I were the only one
Haunted by the past
I could always live alone
Yet my life would never last
If I were the only one
With all these tears to cry
If I were the only one
There’d be no reason why
If I were the only one
Would I live in peace?
If I were the only one
How would I find release?
I am not the only one
Who cries herself to sleep
I am not the only one
Always counting sheep
I am not the only one
With this pain inside
I am not the only one
I do not need to hide
Listen to My Tears
Listen to my tears tonight
My blood no longer drips
A crimson spot upon my life
The scars upon my hips
Play for me a symphony
A song for all to hear
Listen to my tears tonight
They scream through all the years
All the years I’ve wandered
My life a broken mess
All the pieces of my heart
All my emptiness
Turn me into someone else
Ignore my lonesome cries
Listen to my tears tonight
Listen with your eyes
My blood no longer drips
A crimson spot upon my life
The scars upon my hips
Play for me a symphony
A song for all to hear
Listen to my tears tonight
They scream through all the years
All the years I’ve wandered
My life a broken mess
All the pieces of my heart
All my emptiness
Turn me into someone else
Ignore my lonesome cries
Listen to my tears tonight
Listen with your eyes
Her smile holds a secret
Her smile holds a secret
My smile holds the same
A shameful secret, maybe,
But a secret still the same
A whisper in the night is heard
A kiss upon my cheek
A secret life of lies and lust
A life not for the meek
Within the midnight air is heard
A silent little sigh
A pressure building in my heart
I dare not ask her why
We live in secret, for I know,
Though truth may set some free,
For us the truth would surely mean
A life of misery
Her hand brushes back my hair
To reveal my tear-streaked face
Her kiss reveals our secret
And I wonder if it's fate
My smile holds the same
A shameful secret, maybe,
But a secret still the same
A whisper in the night is heard
A kiss upon my cheek
A secret life of lies and lust
A life not for the meek
Within the midnight air is heard
A silent little sigh
A pressure building in my heart
I dare not ask her why
We live in secret, for I know,
Though truth may set some free,
For us the truth would surely mean
A life of misery
Her hand brushes back my hair
To reveal my tear-streaked face
Her kiss reveals our secret
And I wonder if it's fate
Inspiration
Searching for inspiration
I look into your eyes
I hear the words you never said
I feel the pain you ne’er expressed
I see our love shine in your eyes
I know the words I need to write
I look into your eyes
I hear the words you never said
I feel the pain you ne’er expressed
I see our love shine in your eyes
I know the words I need to write
don't say that you love her
don't say that you love her
I know it too well
don't say that she loves you
my heart can tell
don't look at me softly
don't dare say my name
don't tell me I'm lovely
for I am to blame
you don’t know that my heart broke
you don't know that I cried
you don't know what I wished for
I wished I would die
don't say that you love her
I know that it's true
don't say that she's perfect
she's not better than you
you were what I wanted
though you went astray
you still hold my heart
but I won't beg you to stay
I won't call out your name
I won't make a scene
I'll just sit here, silent
you know what I mean
I know it too well
don't say that she loves you
my heart can tell
don't look at me softly
don't dare say my name
don't tell me I'm lovely
for I am to blame
you don’t know that my heart broke
you don't know that I cried
you don't know what I wished for
I wished I would die
don't say that you love her
I know that it's true
don't say that she's perfect
she's not better than you
you were what I wanted
though you went astray
you still hold my heart
but I won't beg you to stay
I won't call out your name
I won't make a scene
I'll just sit here, silent
you know what I mean
Is it OK?
Is it OK to love you?
Is it OK to hurt?
Is it OK to walk away
like maggot-ridden dirt?
Is it OK that all I want
is for you to let me know?
Is it OK that all I need
is to frolic in the snow?
Is it OK? There's nothing left,
no point to this strange game.
There's nothing more that I can do
than cry here in the rain.
Is it OK to hurt?
Is it OK to walk away
like maggot-ridden dirt?
Is it OK that all I want
is for you to let me know?
Is it OK that all I need
is to frolic in the snow?
Is it OK? There's nothing left,
no point to this strange game.
There's nothing more that I can do
than cry here in the rain.
Swear I'm better now
Swear I’m better now
No more tears to cry
Swear I’ll never leave
I’ll never say goodbye
Pain inside can no more bear
Tears of love unknown, unshed
Swear that I’m okay
I cannot feel the pain
Swear it’s not a lie
I’ll never lie again
Fingers crossed, believe my lie
Ignore the tears behind my eyes
Swear that I am fine
No more blood to shed
Swear that I’m alive
Inside, I know I’m dead
Help me to survive my lie
Please, don’t leave me here to die
No more tears to cry
Swear I’ll never leave
I’ll never say goodbye
Pain inside can no more bear
Tears of love unknown, unshed
Swear that I’m okay
I cannot feel the pain
Swear it’s not a lie
I’ll never lie again
Fingers crossed, believe my lie
Ignore the tears behind my eyes
Swear that I am fine
No more blood to shed
Swear that I’m alive
Inside, I know I’m dead
Help me to survive my lie
Please, don’t leave me here to die
Monday, March 24, 2008
"I <3 You"
I’ve been up all night
writing words I’ve never said
typing furiously on the keyboard
writing emails full of love
saying “I <3 you”
like it really means that much
putting hearts around the page
like that can replace your touch
my words become more meaningless
the more I try to say
how my life revolves around you
how you are my every day
somehow “I <3 you”
doesn’t show how much I care
but the truth I cannot tell you
my love for you, I cannot share
writing words I’ve never said
typing furiously on the keyboard
writing emails full of love
saying “I <3 you”
like it really means that much
putting hearts around the page
like that can replace your touch
my words become more meaningless
the more I try to say
how my life revolves around you
how you are my every day
somehow “I <3 you”
doesn’t show how much I care
but the truth I cannot tell you
my love for you, I cannot share
Baby Brianna
Baby Brianna, you’ll get through this
You deserve much more than this
You’re smarter than they think you are
You’re beautiful. You’ll be a star
Don’t let them say you ain’t good enough
Hold on tight and never give up
Hun, I know it must be hard
Visit Dad in the prison yard
Your mommy, she gave up too quick
Believed the lies and let them stick
But I believe in you
Still believe in your mommy, too
Brianna, hun, you’re just a child
You’ve no clue of who I am
But I’m here for you, Brianna
For ever and for always
Baby Brianna, grow up strong
Do good, do well, live long
You deserve much more than this
You’re smarter than they think you are
You’re beautiful. You’ll be a star
Don’t let them say you ain’t good enough
Hold on tight and never give up
Hun, I know it must be hard
Visit Dad in the prison yard
Your mommy, she gave up too quick
Believed the lies and let them stick
But I believe in you
Still believe in your mommy, too
Brianna, hun, you’re just a child
You’ve no clue of who I am
But I’m here for you, Brianna
For ever and for always
Baby Brianna, grow up strong
Do good, do well, live long
Fly (What do you do?)
what do you do
when you cut deeper than you meant to
and your heart hurts much more
than you ever thought it could
and the only person
between you and pure insanity
is lying in a casket
what do you do
when the only ounce of hope
left inside of you
flies out of your 7th story window
and you wish with all you are
that you could fly, too
so you try
though you know you can’t fly
when you cut deeper than you meant to
and your heart hurts much more
than you ever thought it could
and the only person
between you and pure insanity
is lying in a casket
what do you do
when the only ounce of hope
left inside of you
flies out of your 7th story window
and you wish with all you are
that you could fly, too
so you try
though you know you can’t fly
Lather. Rinse. Repeat
Give your life to it
Know that it controls you
Let it tear you bit by bit
Leave you, a dying carcass
Decide you want to stop
Therapy -- it works
Denial's just a game
For a while, know you're safe
Slip back into nothingness
Then give yourself a hand
Admit you cycle all the time
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Know that it controls you
Let it tear you bit by bit
Leave you, a dying carcass
Decide you want to stop
Therapy -- it works
Denial's just a game
For a while, know you're safe
Slip back into nothingness
Then give yourself a hand
Admit you cycle all the time
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
depression
I’ll call you when
I can speak again
I'll visit when
I can breathe again
I’ll write more when
I can feel again
I’ll sing some when
I have faith again
I’ll kiss you when
I feel good again
you’ll love me when
I’m me again
I can speak again
I'll visit when
I can breathe again
I’ll write more when
I can feel again
I’ll sing some when
I have faith again
I’ll kiss you when
I feel good again
you’ll love me when
I’m me again
I want to write you a poem
I want to write you a poem
tell you how much that I hurt
make a list of all my sorrows
say our love was just a curse
I want to write you a poem
full of all the love I know
give you everything I hold inside
but the pain I would not show
I want to write you a poem
let you know just what you’ve done
leave you empty, knowing nothing
but the void I have become
I want to write you a poem
with all the love I could express
tell you all the secrets of my heart
all but my loneliness
I want to write you a poem
a thousand, if need be
but I just can’t decide
what’s in store for you and me
tell you how much that I hurt
make a list of all my sorrows
say our love was just a curse
I want to write you a poem
full of all the love I know
give you everything I hold inside
but the pain I would not show
I want to write you a poem
let you know just what you’ve done
leave you empty, knowing nothing
but the void I have become
I want to write you a poem
with all the love I could express
tell you all the secrets of my heart
all but my loneliness
I want to write you a poem
a thousand, if need be
but I just can’t decide
what’s in store for you and me
First Cigarette
wisps of smoke rise up
freshly lit, glowing orange in the dark
inhale
feel it burn deep inside
exhale
a cloud from your virgin lips
flick the ashes
see sparks fly
freshly lit, glowing orange in the dark
inhale
feel it burn deep inside
exhale
a cloud from your virgin lips
flick the ashes
see sparks fly
The letter I never sent
the letter I never sent
speaks of poems signed in blood
tales of broken-hearted love
and a war with unknown odds
the letter I never sent
sits waiting in my heart
for the one last line to end it all
for that first and final kiss
the letter I never sent
wants nothing more than just one kiss
but instead of lipstick
it's blood that stains it red
the letter I never sent
holds the keys to my aching heart
it's the final piece I hold of you
it's my final sacrifice
speaks of poems signed in blood
tales of broken-hearted love
and a war with unknown odds
the letter I never sent
sits waiting in my heart
for the one last line to end it all
for that first and final kiss
the letter I never sent
wants nothing more than just one kiss
but instead of lipstick
it's blood that stains it red
the letter I never sent
holds the keys to my aching heart
it's the final piece I hold of you
it's my final sacrifice
The Scent of Autumn
I know there's the scent of autumn in the air
but my nostrils are filled with smoke
your cigarette stares back at me
and I watch
as one after another they disappear
smoke and ash
and the discarded butt
then it happens
and I'm left
smoke and ash is all that remains
I'm empty
my soul left in your too-full ash tray
is there one last puff left?
now I engage in your bad habits
smoke and ash are all I have of you
I hold onto the butt with my last breath
and swear that someday I'll let you go
but my nostrils are filled with smoke
your cigarette stares back at me
and I watch
as one after another they disappear
smoke and ash
and the discarded butt
then it happens
and I'm left
smoke and ash is all that remains
I'm empty
my soul left in your too-full ash tray
is there one last puff left?
now I engage in your bad habits
smoke and ash are all I have of you
I hold onto the butt with my last breath
and swear that someday I'll let you go
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